So Tired of Being Strong
I am sitting here on the floor of my living room literally in tears. My son is asleep in bed, or should be at least, and my husband is with the rest of my family watching a BYU game. I am sitting here thinking about how tired I am. I am tired physically, mentally, and spiritually. Most of all I am so tired of trying to be strong. How are people strong through miscarriages? How do people do it, because I am not succeeding.
People have been so amazing to me and my family. My relief society president bought Jason new interview shoes and me some much needed snow boots. The 2nd counselor in our bishop rick came and got Jason to buy new shirts and ties for him to interview in. There are moments when I am so happy but then I feel like I sink back into this void that I can't get rid of. I have so much that I am grateful for. How can I feel like that always.
I feel like I am letting my family, my husband, and my friends down if I am not strong. Most of all I feel like I am letting my Heavenly Father down because I don't feel like I have the faith to get through this trial. I am trying so hard but am still failing.
Friday, December 9, 2016
What Do I Do Next?
So yes I have gone through these trials and my faith and hope have risen because of this. But now I don't know where to go from here. All of my labs have come back inconclusive. Should we keep on trying or should we wait and try and heal. Jason is still looking for a job in web development. We have done everything to find a job, we have networked filled out application after application. What do we do next?
There are so many unknowns in life. So I have to ask myself what I do know. I know that I have a loving Heavenly Father who is watching over me and my family. I have a husband who works so hard every day and is writing 80 blogs a week right now to support his family. I have a roof over my head and food in my fridge. I have my little bundle of joy who loves unrolling my toilet paper, getting all of his toys out and then deciding that he does not want to play with any of them. I have my little miracle Jameson. Lastly, I have my whole family who is so supportive of Jason and I.
My little brother Chris showed me this song. It is by a rock band called disturbed but this one line stood out to me "sometimes the darkness can show you the light". What a beautiful thought and insight. It is when we are in our darkest moments in life that we find some of the brightest moments. I was visited by my relief society president after she found out about my miscarriage. She then took me out to buy my husband a Christmas present and just to talk and have hot chocolate. There is my light in my darkness.
So yes there are so many unknowns. I don't know what to do about my miscarriages or finding a job for my husband. But there are so many thinks I do know. I know my life is supposed to be like this right now and if I endure to the end and learn to have joy in my sufferings, everything will work out.
Monday, December 5, 2016
I got married January of 2014. It was a fairy tale wedding everything went amazingly well and I was so happy marrying Jason. We had decided to try and start a family right away and a month later we were pregnant. It was not smooth sailing I started to bleed but the pregnancy tests said everything was fine and the bleeding stopped. After working things out with insurance I finally got into an OBGYN for my first ultrasound at 16 weeks. I remember seeing the gestational sack but there was no baby. I started to cry and couldn't stop until hours later. I had miscarried the baby when I had bled before but the sack had kept growing. Later that night I went into labor and finished the miscarriage.
My second pregnancy was much better. I didn't even find out that I was pregnant until 14 weeks. Still when I found out, I didn't believe the tests. I thought the same thing would happen and there would be no baby. Fortunately, they gave me an ultrasound right there and I was able to see my little Jameson. Everything went great for the next few months until 33 weeks. My blood pressure kept going up until I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia and put on bed rest. FYI best rest is really not fun. I was induced three weeks later as the pregnancy was hurting my own health. Jameson was born at 36 weeks weighing 5 lbs 1 oz. Luckily he didn't have to spend any time in the NICU. He is almost 21 months and doing great.
Pregnancy #3 was a surprise. I was on birth control and somehow still got pregnant January of 2016. Five weeks later I miscarried. Pregnancy # 4 started in March of 2016. My due date was actually Christmas Eve which I wasn't thrilled about but I was still excited to be pregnant. I set up the normal appointment and came in to my awesome OBGYN for my first ultrasound. At this point they couldn't find a heartbeat and sent me to an imaging center with more specialized equipment. My baby had no heartbeat and was the size of a six week old baby even though I was ten week along. At this imaging center they also found out that I have a bi-cornate uterus (a uterus shaped like bunny ears). After waiting it was clear that my body would not go into a miscarriage on its own so I had to get a D&C and have the baby surgically removed.
This was my third miscarriage and after three it means that their is a problem. My doctor told me there were many reasons that these miscarriages could be happening but it was hard to find out which one it was in my case. So I started the tests, however, nothing came back conclusive. They haven't been able to find out why I have a hard time keeping a pregnancy. Yet my doctor said he had a few plans for the next time I became pregnant and was optimistic for my future.
This leads us to pregnancy #5. I got pregnant October of 2016. It was very hard to be excited for this pregnancy as my worry was high. I got onto hormones that my doctor thought would help me keep the baby and was hopeful. By six weeks I started to bleed. I had seen this before and new what it had to mean. Something was going wrong. I called my doctor and he sent me right into the imaging center. We found the baby and to my relief there was a heartbeat. From that point all I could do was wait. I did and the bleeding finally stopped. However, the Tuesday before thanksgiving the bleeding started again. I went to the imaging center again and there was no more heartbeat the baby had died just four days after the initial bleeding had started. I then miscarried my fifth baby last Thursday.
The hardest thing about trial of miscarriages is not knowing the why. Why is this happening? Is there anything I could have done differently? What should I do now? These questions will probably go unanswered, yet I still have hope. Deut 8:2 says that the Israelite's were led for 40 years to be humbled and proven. I feel like I am going through the refiners fire so the Lord can mold me into the person I am meant to be. He is humbling and proving me and in doing so my faith in Him is building and I am becoming a better person. I am not going to say I haven't been angry and hurt. I have had my moment of intense depression and sorrow. Somehow the Lord has been there with me through the whole experience and has felt every feeling with me.
This last miscarriage I have been given the tender mercy of peace and joy. While I am still sad that I was not able to meet this last baby I know that the Plan of Salvation is real and I will have more kids. It just may take a few more pregnancies and maybe a miracle or two.
Thursday, December 1, 2016
THIS IS ME!
I am married to an amazing man, my husband Jason who is currently looking for work as a web developer. Currently he works from home writing blogs for dentists. Our life together has been filled with many different moments of joy and sorrow. I wouldn't for the world change marrying this amazing man who has never raised his voice to me and who knows my every need. He makes me laugh constantly and will tell me stories whenever I ask for them. He is my best friend.
Gordon B. Hinkley once said "Life is to be enjoyed, not endured" This blog is my attempt to do just that. I am learning to have joy in my suffering. Trials never end but that doesn't mean you have to be sad and sorrowful all the time.
My life has so many blessing and this is me showing my Heavenly Father that I appreciate everything he has given to me.